


Gender {One-shot}

by ProblematicProcrastinator



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Bants, Crossdressing, Dan Howell wears skirts and that's okay, Dan is a bit moody and rude but he gets better, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Gender Confusion, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Gender explanation, M/M, Phil Lester Is A Sweetheart, There's a small argument scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-15 22:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19629505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProblematicProcrastinator/pseuds/ProblematicProcrastinator
Summary: Half the time Dan felt like a boy. Half the time Dan felt like a girl. One hundred perfect of the time Dan felt like an uncomfortable mess of a person who didn’t know how to fit in.Gender should’ve been one of the easiest things to know about yourself but Dan couldn’t even seem to get that right.





	Gender {One-shot}

Half the time Dan felt like a boy. Half the time Dan felt like a girl. One hundred perfect of the time Dan felt like an uncomfortable mess of a person who didn’t know how to fit in.

Gender should’ve been one of the easiest things to know about yourself but Dan couldn’t even seem to get that right.

Phil was a male. He’d always known he was a male and was always going to be a male. Sometimes Dan would get frustrated at Phil just because he was a male, which Dan knew wasn’t fair but couldn’t help it. It wasn’t fair that it was so simple and laid out for him when Dan was having daily mental debates on what he felt like being today.

Phil was currently laid back on the couch watching an episode of Riverdale occasionally chuckling at the shows pure ridiculousness. 

Dan knew Phil claimed to only watch it for it's sheer stupidity but he knew how the two of them often indulged in it as a guilty pleasure show, occasionly getting far too invested in the teen program.

Dan walked in and took a seat beside Phil. He leaned back and put his right over his left, glancing over at Phil. Phil was sat in a pair of black pants and his Friends T-shirt. He had one sock on, his hair was in a messy quiff and his glasses were askew on his face. Nothing had to be done today so it was clear he couldn’t be bothered to straighten himself out.

“It’s that weird episode with the Carrie musical.” Phil says, not removing his eyes from the wannabe edgy show playing.

Dan, however, couldn't seem to pay attention as he kept looking over at Phil with one thing racing around in his mind.

 _It wasn't fair_

The two sat in silence as the show played, Phil intently paying attention to the program while Dan’s mind wandered. Eventually it came to an end and Phil said, “Ooh a cliffhanger!”

Dan flinched and turned to him, “What…? Oh! Oh yeah.. Classic whodunit mystery.”

Both men knew what was going to happen, as they'd seen the episode before, but still loved to ham up the cliffhangers that occurred every episode basically.

Phil chuckled before reaching his arms upwards to stretch. His shirt lifted up slightly revealing Phil’s stomach. The hair around his stomach and navel were now in plain sight. Plus it was clear there was more hair the lower it got. Especially when it got to around the waistband of his pants.

Dan noticed this. Technically he’d always noticed and seen these things about Phil but never truly cared until about a year ago when he started to experiment and question things about himself as a person.

“Stare much?” Phil giggled after ending the stretch and turning his head towards Dan.

Dan, not missing a beat, faked a smile and said, “You’re just too damn attractive. Can’t help it.”

Phil grinned proudly then stood to his feet and said, “I’m gonna freshen up in the shower.” 

“Good. You smell.” Dan teased. Although he was just joking there was a hint of truth to his statement as previously mentioned, Phil hadn't bothered to straighten himself out for most of the morning.

“Shut up. Your mum smells.”

Dan put on his best face of distress and gripped his shirt as if he'd just been fatally wounded in the chest, "That hurt."

Phil giggled at his boyfriend's ridiculousless then said, "Hey I never got my good morning kiss."

Dan fought the urge to roll his eyes at Phil's overall dorkiness and stood to his feet. He went over to Phil and the two of them pressed their lips together in a kiss that lasted just a few seconds.

Dan grimaced and pushed Phil away after the 5th second.

Phil gave him a lot of disappointment and slight confusion so Dan simply replied, "You have morning breath, dude."

"Oh. I'll fix that too.."

He before turning away and walking off towards the bathroom, blowing into his hands to check his breath as he did so. This time Dan didn't even try not to roll his eyes at his utter spork of a boyfriend

Dan waited until he heard the door lock before running off toward his bedroom.

He knew he’d have at least a half hour to himself.

• • •

Dan never did quite understand what his fans meant when they said he looked like a "tall lesbian" but whist standing in front of his mirror in a bloody skirt he realized that he would make a rather attractive girl.

It was crazy how a simple piece of cloth around his waist could easily change his entire social perception on what gender he truly was.

Was he a girl? He never fancied the idea of having breasts or a vagina. In fact, he was quite fond of what he had between his legs. But if that was true then why was stood in front of his mirror in a sky blue skirt and undeniably feminine peach button up. That certainly wasn’t a male thing to do.

He didn't feel like a woman or have any urges to become one but he felt like he just wasn't male enough to be considered… well, a male.

What truly made Dan a man? That was the question he'd been struggling to answer. Was it just as simple as his sex? Did personality contribute into it as well? Was it simply a social construct created by society in attempt to categorize humans?

He just didn't know.

Dan shut his eyes and let out a soft sigh in attempt to clear his head. He wanted all of his questioning thoughts to just leave his head while he lived in the moment. He opened his eyes up and was immediately greeted with an identical replica of himself in the mirror.

Dan smiled at his reflection and spun around playfully. Sure, it was a bit cliche but he loved watching the skirt flutter around showing all of its sky blue glory.

He felt pretty. Perhaps he'd even go as far as to say beautiful. It was crazy how clothing and accessories made a person feel so much better about themselves even though it's sheer purpose was to keep them warm and, well, not die.

Dan, having a bit too much fun with this, pulled out his iPhone to take a few photos (that would inevitably stay in his hidden album). Various poses were struck, multiple faces were pulled and, inevitablely, quite a few minutes had passed.

Mid-selfie, Dan heard the all too familiar sound of his door opening and instantly turned his head towards that direction. He dropped his phone and held his hands out in front of himself, a reaction created purely out of fear.

"Phil, don't come in!" He yelped, practically screeching but it was too late as the damage had already been done.

“Dan, do you wanna play M-“ Phil started to ask, opening Dan’s door without even considering knocking. It was a bad habit of his that he'd been meaning to discuss with Phil for a while. Specifically in case a situation like this occurred.

He immediately went quiet as the two if them locked eyes, both men not wanting to say a word. The gears in Phil's head were spinning as if he were trying to process the sight of his boyfriend in what looked to be an attempt at drag perhaps? He wasn't quite sure what was happening really.

The silence lasted far longer than Dan would’ve liked. It was tense, awkward and incredibly uncomfortable. Neither one dared to speak in fear of saying something that would escalate the situation.

Eventually Phil gathered up the courage to speak and muttered, “...You shave your legs?”

"...get out."

"What?"

"Get out of my room." Dan replied much harsher than his previous statement. Phil wasn't supposed to see this! He wasn't supposed to know about Dan's dirty little secret. A man in his mid twenties parading around in bright female clothing was probably such a ridiculous and disturbing sight to the incredibly binary Philip Lester.

"Dan, I'm not go-"

"Fuck off!" Dan snapped as he chucked a pillow towards Phil, who dodged just in time, and quickly shut the door. Dan's cheeks were flushed red with embarrassment with a splash of anger.

Was he being a bit harsh? Perhaps. Would he regret yelling at Phil later? Undeniably. In this moment however, he could have given less of a shit. Dan never wanted Phil to see him in such a manor. They'd done so much together but this was his personal experimenting. He didn't want Phil to know what was going on his head when it was this effed up. 

Dan let out a sigh and flopped down on his bed. He needed a moment to recap what just happened and figure out what he'd do next.

• • •

"Dan.."

It'd been a few hours since the whole scene has occurred and Dan was now sat on the couch, arms folded, with a clearly annoyed facial expression like an upset child. It was clear that Phil was the last person he wanted to see right now.

Phil felt his piercing gaze which hurt because the two of them were so close. He loved Dan and hated to know that Dan didn't quite feel that way about him right now.

The only thing that stopped him from leaving the living room and hiding out in his room until Dan's attitude was leveled was the fact that Dan was still in his outfit from before. In Phil's eyes that meant Dan was still holding the door open to his secret Phil and giving Phil another chance to enter it. He couldn't cock this up.

"Dan, can't we just talk?" Phil bit down on his bottom lip and hummed out the lyrics to popular Khalid song that he'd unintentionally quoted in attempt to make a joke.

Not even a grin.

"... Dan, I wanna-"

"God. Stop saying my name. Can you just.. Just spit it out, Phil." Dan murmured turning away from his boyfriend.

Phil slowly walked over to Dan, as if approaching a dangerous animal, then took a seat beside him. He looked over at him with those beautiful blue eyes that Dan normally loved staring into.

Phil rubbed his hand along Dan’s leg, admiring how soft it was whilst wondering how he hadn’t noticed this. Did he just shave his legs or had he really gone who knows how long without noticing that Dan had shaved? Either way he wasn't complaining. 

Dan couldn't help but give into the alluring contact of his boyfriend so he simply laid back on the opposite end of the couch making sure the skirt was bunched up just above the thigh. He knew he should've been cross but he was only human. A human that loved who adored Phil's touch in particular.

He folded his arms looking at Phil in disbelief, “You’re not going to say anything else?”

“What do you want me to say?” Phil asked, turning his gaze to Dan.

“I dunno.. You saw your boyfriend in a skirt so I’m guessing you’d find that odd.”

“I’ve seen you in a skirt before.”

“Yeah but not like this.”

“S’not a big deal, Dan, it’s alright if you wanna crossdress.”

"Don't say that.. You're just… ugh.. You're just saying that. Why are you so calm? Stop that."

Dan replied, frowning lightly at Phil. "I know you're judging me."

"But I'm not!" Phil defended. "Would I ever lie to you, Dan?"

He looked Dan right in his big brown eyes so he could understand that Phil was one hundred percent serious.

Dan bit his bottom lip and turned away from Phil. Direct eye contact seemed to be too much to handle right now.

"You wouldn't."

"Exactly." Phil said, giving Dan's leg a reassuring squeeze. "I personally think it's pretty hot."

"It's not even a hot outfit. It's more of a spring pastel outfit, casual at best." Dan scoffed lightly turning to face Phil.

Phil smiled gently in response to the curly haired brunette before converting his focus back to Dan's creamy white and now, smooth legs. He'd always adored his boyfriend's legs but seeing them shaved just seemed to bring out all of their glory. Phil ran his hand over one of Dan's legs but stopped when he reached the hem of the baby blue skirt.

"Are you, uh… wearing pants?" Phil reluctantly asked. He was curious to know the answer but felt nervous to actually ask.

Dan raised an eyebrow and said, "Dunno. Am I?"

Phil grabbed the hem of Dan's skirt and gave Dan a look as if to ask, 'Is this allowed?' Dan merely answered with a shrug. In other words, 'Go for it, mate.'

Phil lifted up the front of Dan's skirt and was pleasantly surprised at the fact that they were indeed pants. Women's pants, that is. A cute pastel shade of blue that complimented the soft aesthetic of the outfit.

Phil couldn't help but stare at his long and beautiful white legs that led up to his panty covered crotch.

"You really went all out. Can't believe you bought panties."

Dan visibly become uneasy, "Don't say that word."

"Panties?"

Cringe. "Ugh! Yes! I hate that word and it feels so weird coming from your mouth. Call em pants or underwear or anything more pleasant than that.."

Phil snorted lightly then continued to explore Dan again. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion when he noticed there was no trace of male genitalia anywhere on the outside.

"Where are your balls, mate?"

Dan rolled his eyes, kicking his leg a bit so Phil would let go of the skirt. He sat himself up and said, "Everything down there is pretty much tucked, Phil..."

"Isn't that uncomfortable?" Phil asked, slightly taken aback.

Dan didn't reply.

Phil drummed his fingers against Dan's leg as he attempted to think of what to say. He didn't want to say the wrong thing and offend Dan, as he'd known he was struggling with his gender identity but he was curious.

Phil would never say these things out loud but he was fully aware of his boyfriend's gender identity crisis even though Dan assumed he was clueless. He'd seen the online quizzes Dan was always taking when they were laying in bed together and Dan had presumed Phil asleep. _Are you transgender? Are you a girl or guy? What gender are you really?_ They were probably low quality Quotev quizzes that was 12 year old cis girls made so the fact that Dan was taking them truly meant he was desperate. It hurt Phil to just lay there and watch Dan get so frustrated when he got such varied results. He'd always wanted to say something about it but never could bring himself to.

Praying he didn't come across as awkward Phil asked, "Was there a reason for all this..?"

Dan's face quickly transitioned into a frown, "No… just like it, that's all."

"Don't get upset or anything… please. I'm just.. Kinda wanna know more."

Phil was trying his best not to be accidentally rude or offensive but it seemed no matter what, Dan would have a crabby retort. It was getting to be quite annoying but he was trying his best to keep a level head.

"...okay." Dan said quietly with the frown slowly transitioning into his neutral expression. 

"What do you wanna know?"

"When did you buy this stuff? How didn't I know?"

"Amazon does wonders."

"How long has it been happening?"

"Anytime I was free for the past few months honestly."

"Is your penis okay?"

Dan couldn't help but laugh at that. He gave Phil his "I'm trying to be upset but can't because you're so precious" face and replied, "Are you having a laugh?"

"Maybe a little. But it got my bear to laugh so I'm pretty proud." Phil replied happily.

Dan rolled his eyes and stood up from his spot, "I'm just going to change."

"You don't have to if you don't wanna.."

Dan stood still for a moment, as if thinking over the offer, before deciding, "No it's alright. Moment's passed anyway."

"Sorry." Phil chuckled nervously.

Dan merely shrugged his shoulders and continued walking towards the stairs.

"So will you start wearing these around the flat?" Phil called out, stopping Dan in his tracks.

"Dunno. Maybe? I'll see how everything plays out I guess." Dan honestly replied. He just wasn't quite sure what he wanted at the moment.

Phil gave him a nod and said, "Whatever you choose to do remember that I support you 110%!"

Dan turned around and simply gave him a half smile in response before heading back to his room to change and think the whole situation over.

Thus created a slightly different few weeks for both men.

The first couple weeks were pretty much normal except for once or twice a week when Dan would wear a skirt or dress around the flat to get more comfortable with experimenting. Phil would always complement his outfit before returning to whatever activity he was doing before. It was a small but simple gesture that Dan truly appreciated and eased his nerves about the whole situation. The next few weeks following those were much more casual. For Phil, seeing Dan in a skirt became a common sight in the Howell/Lester household. However he could never get used to finding the occasional piece of women's pants in their laundry. Either way Dan and Phil were comfortable with their private life and it'd become their version of normal.

One evening, a couple months after their first incident, Dan timidly entered Phil's bedroom and took a deep breath to brace himself. He didn't want this to take any longer than it had to so he simply ripped the bandage off and said it.

“I know what I am, Phil..” Dan announced, looking over at Phil who was on laid back in bed on his MacBook.

“What do you mean?” Phil asked as he turned his gaze to meet Dan’s. “Like...?”

"Gender."

His stomach felt uneasy about the whole situation, making it hard to express himself with proper words. He didn't want to rehearse this or anything so Dan simply let the words flow out of his mouth at the best of his ability. He was normally pretty articulate so he hoped his speech would come in handy tonight.

“I’m a boy. I know this for sure now. Thing is.. I like girls clothing and makeup... You know, all that stereotypically feminine stuff. I don't want any girl bits, I'm happy with what I've got. Weird thing is I wouldn't necessarily mind being called she pronouns or male pronouns. I'm fine with both. I know this is.. Weird for you but I just need to accept that it's a part of who I am and I thought you deserved to know that..”

So much for articulate speech.

Dan walked over and took a seat besides Phil, feeling awkward and uneasy. Suddenly his hands became the most interesting thing in the world even though he didn't quite know what to do with them.

"If you don't.. support it.. I guess I'd understand.." His voice was so pitiful and broken, wobbly as he spoke. It was clear Dan was scared and nervous; it looked like he was on the verge of tears. The few seconds of silence from Phil were eating him alive in a painful way.

A gasp escaped his mouth when he suddenly felt two very familiar arms wrap around his torso and bring him into a tight, one sided hug.

"I'm so proud of you, Dan."

"Oh God.. " Dan replied with a wobbly still visible. "Shut up."

"I am. You've found out something new about yourself, something big at that, and you're embracing it. The fact that you told me is a huge deal."

Dan remembered how distraught he'd felt upon realizing his sexuality and how long it took him to accept the fact that he was indeed a homosexual so Phil had a point when he said embracing this was a big deal.

Proper tears were now rolling down his cheeks when Phil's words truly sunk in. However these were tears of happiness and not tears of fear of rejection from the person he adored most in the world. He loved Phil so damn much.

Dan shifted his body so he was facing Phil and snaked his arms around Phil's waist for a proper hug. The familiar warmness of Phil felt so comforting and overall reassuring that he basically melted against his body. 

Dan nuzzled his head against Phil's neck which slightly dampened the skin from previous tears that occupied his eyes.

Eventually the hug transitionsd into snuggling together on the bed with the brightly colored duvet covering their waists.

"I love you, Bear..." Phil muttered, holding the brunette close to his chest. "I want you to know that I change any part of you for the world."

Dan chuckled. He wanted to make a sarcastic comment or joke about how cliche and cheesy Phil was but just couldn't bring himself to. Phil was the sweetest, most loving person he'd ever met and was incredibly grateful for Phil to be such a huge part of his life. No matter what Dan was struggling with, whether it be anxiety, depression or gender, Phil was always right by his side telling him how things would get better. He was just so damn supportive. Even when Dan would get cross or jealous or frustrated at him because he was so comfortable with himself, Phil understood and didn't retort back.

Dan nuzzled himself against Phil, entangling their long legs in the process. The two of them fit in Phil's bed like a perfect two piece puzzle which always had a satisfying outcome. He felt warm and safe in Phil's arms

"I love you too, Phil.." Dan softly replied as he closed his eyes and relaxed against Phil's chest.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to be published in April with 1000ish words so I don't know what happened. 
> 
> I truly hope this wasn't offensive or triggering in any way (yet another reason I didn't post it for so long; fear of backlash)
> 
> If you have a writing prompt, request/suggestion or simply wanna say "hi!" then here's my writing tumblr: https://starbursto.tumblr.com


End file.
